Not the fat bridesmaid

I always tell myself that my eating is not bad. And I don’t know if I get worse when I’m on a diet as I’m craving bad things but.. Maybe my diet is not as good as I thought. I love cheese and the week before my period I can’t live without chocolate. This week is my chocolate week and I am having such a hard time with it. Yet after I eat some chocolate or something bad? I feel awful. Guilt. Shame. Disgust. Nausea. Yes, nausea! I actually feel physically sick from eating things that I thought were perfectly ok a few months ago.

So what is it about food? I guess I just have some sort of deep rooted attachment. Food was always there for me; always made me feel good, never judged me… It was and still IS my friend. I remember sneaking into the kitchen when my father and brother would be in the backyard just to make a quick grilled cheese in the microwave. It was delicious - it not only fulfilled my want for food, but also for affection.

What am I trying to do to change this? I’m just trying to eat mostly clean and yes I sneak a piece of cheese in every now and then… But I refuse to feel guilty about it. Maybe if I did then I would lose more weight. Haha.

This is such a long hard journey. I’ve only lost about 9 lbs in almost 2 months. There are days when I want to give up, but then I look at how my clothes fit and how I feel. And you know what? I feel fan-fucking-tastic.

I went to the specialist at the gym for a body fat test and they couldn’t do it because apparently their equipment is only meant to measure little people and their body fat. Absolute poppycock!!! But I’m sure I’ve built up plenty of muscle. I’ve noticed myself move from 20 to 30 to 40 lbs on certain machines. I can jog 3 full laps at the gym (we have a little track - 11 is a mile). I still feel as though my lungs are about to explode - I smoked for 10 years, but I am getting better.

I see my friends struggling with their weight and I try to help them and talk to them and motivate them… But they just blow me off. “I know I’m doing a half assed job” or “I know! I will eat better later” I’m tired of it. They will come to me for help when they are serious. You can’t force someone to be like you, you can just offer your help when they realise it for themselves.

So, friends? When you are ready? I’m here for you.

Yesterday morning I finally made it to my first spin class. It was awful. Well great, but awful for my ass. Only a few minutes in and it was already uncomfortable. Then when we would stand up I felt strange because I felt like the straps made my foot stick out so I was worried about falling. 

I had to stop a few times especially near the end just b/c my ass was hurting SO MUCH. Afterwards we did a quick ab class then a friend showed up and we got on the elliptical for 20 minutes and got on the weight machines for a bit. 

So I’m thinking about buying a seat cover. Any suggestions?

Bueller… Bueller….?

So this morning we had an extra session with the trainer and then I went swimming and did 15 laps. I’m exhausted. 

My mother called and wanted me to bring some lunch from a chinese place, so I ordered over the phone and went to collect it. Now mind you my hair looks awful just pulled back in a bun and I’m in sweaty workout clothes (still from the workout). 

One of the guys was fucking with the other “Oh, this is girl you said sounded cute huh?” and kept nagging at him. And he told him “tell her you have a crush on her” and he’s just laughing like a fucking 12 year old. Instead of some witty comeback I just stood there. Partially in shock b/c I was just amazed that he was acting like a complete cunt. Now maybe I’m just being sensitive (I just started yet another new birth control) but it just made me want to cry. I mean, would he have been teasing him like that if I was a skinny pretty girl instead of a big girl that looks like shit straight out of the gym?

I love Dove even more now. 

They created a photoshop program that after modifying the picture? It would revert back to the original and tell the editor “Don’t manipulate our perceptions of real beauty”

I applaude you Dove. 

http://blog.birchbox.com/post/44746410062/doves-new-ad-campaign-photoshop-trick-or-reality?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=statusupdate&utm_campaign=facebook_030713_dovecampaign

So I stopped working out for a couple of days because my knee was starting to hurt. Turns out my kneecap was in the wrong place. -.-

I’m getting it adjusted by a chiropractor and it’s already better though, so yay!

When I stopped working out? I dropped 4 lbs out of nowhere.

Today I weighed myself and I’m back up 2 lbs. :/

Is it possible I’m working out too much? Today I’m sore and I know your body holds excess water when you’re sore to heal muscles… Which sucks. Today is the first weigh in for the biggest loser program and I’m prolly not down at all. -.- killing meeeee!

Also, I’m done doing calorie counting. Before I was just eating right and it was working great. Also I think I was just eating too many calories. The apps wanted me to eat SO much!

Wish me luck on my weigh-in. Also, it really stinks that it is at 4-7 pm. I can gain like 5 lbs by the end of the day!