Eugh, so I worked out for a couple of hours this morning and I’m still in pain. Which is awesome but really fucking sucks.
I went to the mall with a friend today and I actually didn’t get anxious like I usually do. I think it’s just because I felt good about myself for once. Thinking “Yea, I’m fat now, but I’m doing something about it!”
Usually I get really anxious when I’m out and around people. I get nervous and SWEATY. I HATE being sweaty. If I was skinny people would just think “Oh, that girl sweats a lot” but as a fat girl? “Eugh, look at that sweating fatty over there!” It’s just really embarrassing. And when my anxiety is kicking AND it’s like 90 degrees outside? I just want to crawl into a hole and die… or jump into a pool to cover the sweat stains on my back.
The only thing that usually helps with my anxiety is putting on some makeup, just like a mask. I guess it’s b/c I have something to hide behind.
I used to be a lot smaller (around 215 lbs - remember I’m like 285 now) and I was the picture of confidence because I had lost weight to get to that point. But then I ballooned back up and it’s really killed my confidence. I worry about going anywhere, I don’t want anyone to see me. I find myself declining social invitations just because I don’t want people to see me and see how big I’ve gotten again. I’ve turned into a little bit of a hermit. Yup, just me, my insomnia, and my tv with a DVR. <3
I often lose myself with television… but that’s another rant. I’m done blathering on for now.