My relationship with food

I always tell myself that my eating is not bad. And I don’t know if I get worse when I’m on a diet as I’m craving bad things but.. Maybe my diet is not as good as I thought. I love cheese and the week before my period I can’t live without chocolate. This week is my chocolate week and I am having such a hard time with it. Yet after I eat some chocolate or something bad? I feel awful. Guilt. Shame. Disgust. Nausea. Yes, nausea! I actually feel physically sick from eating things that I thought were perfectly ok a few months ago.

So what is it about food? I guess I just have some sort of deep rooted attachment. Food was always there for me; always made me feel good, never judged me… It was and still IS my friend. I remember sneaking into the kitchen when my father and brother would be in the backyard just to make a quick grilled cheese in the microwave. It was delicious - it not only fulfilled my want for food, but also for affection.

What am I trying to do to change this? I’m just trying to eat mostly clean and yes I sneak a piece of cheese in every now and then… But I refuse to feel guilty about it. Maybe if I did then I would lose more weight. Haha.

This is such a long hard journey. I’ve only lost about 9 lbs in almost 2 months. There are days when I want to give up, but then I look at how my clothes fit and how I feel. And you know what? I feel fan-fucking-tastic.

I went to the specialist at the gym for a body fat test and they couldn’t do it because apparently their equipment is only meant to measure little people and their body fat. Absolute poppycock!!! But I’m sure I’ve built up plenty of muscle. I’ve noticed myself move from 20 to 30 to 40 lbs on certain machines. I can jog 3 full laps at the gym (we have a little track - 11 is a mile). I still feel as though my lungs are about to explode - I smoked for 10 years, but I am getting better.

I see my friends struggling with their weight and I try to help them and talk to them and motivate them… But they just blow me off. “I know I’m doing a half assed job” or “I know! I will eat better later” I’m tired of it. They will come to me for help when they are serious. You can’t force someone to be like you, you can just offer your help when they realise it for themselves.

So, friends? When you are ready? I’m here for you.

Biggest Loser Weigh In

So I went to the weigh in for the Biggest Loser program at my gym and I was 288.6! O.O

Now I didn’t really gain weight, the weigh in was at night and I was wearing jeans b/c I ran over after going to see a movie. I feel like they should have regulated it a bit more… but it will only work to my advantage? Eh… it’s not like it’s serious competition I guess. 

My workouts will be Tuesday mornings at 9am. I’m excited! And a little bit nervous. lol

My friend and I are gonna work out today, she’s totally hardcore about it like me, which is great. Last week we were there for like 2 hours. Also, she’s getting a free 2 week membership so we’re gonna get sick of each other b/c we’re gonna workout everyday! 

I think I’m going to take a picture in the bridesmaid dress and then I’ll take another in it at the end of the program. :)

Also, the program ends the week before the bachelorette weekend/ my birthday weekend. So I think that helps with motivation. 

Gonna go eat some salad and then go to workout! Let’s do this!

Motivational Dress

So I bought this super cute dress from Maurices as I have a dress the same size from the same store, but of course this one is too small. -.- 

My goal is to be able to wear this the weekend of my birthday/ the bridal shower. April 19. 

It’s an XL which is classified as a 15-16. I knew I wouldn’t be able to fit it, but I couldn’t help myself. Plus it’s great motivation. I wear around an 18-20. So I wonder if I will be able to fit it in time :\ 

April 30 Weigh In

So I can NOT believe I forgot to post yesterday!!! Will you guys ever forgive me?! 

So my weight is now 265.5 lbs. I am down 3.9 lbs this last week. 

I don’t have time to elaborate much right now because I want to get my thunder thighs to the park to work out before the sun really starts pounding. 

So things are going well with the boy as well. :) This makes me a very happy panda. 

Now I just have to make sure I don’t let the girl crazy come out and get self destructive or something. 

I am going to spend some time on tumblr later. <3 you guys! So sorry again about not posting yesterday!!!

This year just keeps getting better!!!  

April 16 Weigh In

The magic number is 269.4! I lost 4.6 lbs this week. Finally! I’ve been waiting for a bigger number again. lol. 

But I’ve also decided that I just want to try to lose around 10 lbs a month. I think that’s completely reasonable. Right? I know everywhere I look it says 2 lbs a week is like the magic number. 

My birthday is this upcoming weekend. I don’t know what I’m going to be doing but I’m sure I might mess up some progress, but I’m ok with that. 

I didn’t go to bootcamp this morning because my side is in agony. I’m currently laying on a bamboo mat on the floor with an ice pack on it. eugh.

Friday at bootcamp I ran a 1/4 mile in 2:42! Ok, so there was about 8 seconds of me walking (whilst huffing and puffing) but then the trainer yelled out to me to speed up. I cursed him under my breath and started running again. After I finished some of the girls were like “good job!” Yes, I may have been the largest and slowest… but I finished less than 10 seconds after the 2nd to last person! 

I think I’m going to sign up for another month of bootcamp because I hate myself. Or rather because I love myself. I want to be the best me I can be! 

I can run!

So we didn’t go to Zumba as my stomach was acting up (due to the delicious food I ate yesterday for Easter no doubt…) and one of the girls wanted to go get ice cream. haha (No I didn’t go!)

The bride and I went to the park for our walk/jog/run thing. And I. Can. Run. Not for too far.. but a hell of a lot farther than I even thought I could! YAAAAAAAAAYY!

Then after doing 3 miles (instead of the usual 2) I went to the gym to do some work on the weight machines. Just because my fat ass overslept doesn’t mean I’m not going to work out! Last week I was a bit blasé about the whole eating right and working out thing.. but this week I feel pumped and super motivated again. I guess it’s just something that’s going to happen. 

I’m finding that I really enjoy jogging and running. Who would have thought. There were a few people at the park and I even wore my work out clothes. Normally I would wear something else because I would be too embarrassed to be seen in them but now it makes me feel good.. proud even! 

One thing I’m not fond of though?…. Treadmills. I walk and don’t get anywhere! I would much rather be outside with a nice breeze. 

The bride apparently gained 10 lbs. (I hadn’t seen her in a little while) So I’m going to try to get her to work out with me at the park so she can get herself in better shape. The wedding isn’t until October but she always seems to have a hard time losing weight.   :\ We’re gonna get it!


So I stayed up WAAAAAAAY too late tonight *glares at clock* it’s 12:20. I’m worried that I might not wake up on time for bootcamp. 

Eugh. I figured I would check up on here and see how people are doing and see all the motivational picture, phrases, etc that are up and hopefully when my alarm clock goes off at fucking 4:30 that my fat ass will wake up to go work out. 

So the other day I met someone at a birthday thing and I dunno, I feel like he might kind of like me? He apparently used to be bigger and he’s working out hardcore and he keeps wanting me to join the workout thing he goes to but I’m just so self conscious. I don’t think I could work out in a coed setting just yet. 

March 19 Weigh In

So my fears were confirmed. I lost 1.2 pound this week. Now it could just be my ‘time’ if you know what I mean or it could just be because I didn’t do as much this week.

I’m not discouraged. As I said, I didn’t work out as much this past week. How can I sit here and be pissed that I didn’t have the same weight loss as last week when I sweat balls last week and didn’t work out as much this week? Also I had a bit of a bad meal yesterday. So ah well. You know what? I didn’t GAIN! So let us yay for that!

Someone just told me that warm water helps with bloating - honey with a slice of lime/lemon, green/white tea, tea with honey.. all with warm water

This morning I started the day with my bootcamp. It kicked my ASS. It was so hard. And surprisingly? The majority of the people were thin and fit. I was definitely one of the biggest people there. I just thought it would be more people that were a bit out of shape. 

It was an hour long class that is trying to kill my outer fat girl. I’m appreciative.

The hardest part was when I was supposed to do 10 jumping jacks then 10 push ups, 9 jumping jacks then 9 push ups, 8 jumping jacks then 8 push ups, etc. We were allowed 3 seconds to get down/up to do the next exercise. Let me just say, on the second round of that (this time with cross ski exercises and crunches) I got up and down a few times then just laid on my mat for a second and just did crunches for the duration. 

On my way home I dropped off my friend then went to the track by my house and did my walk/jog/run thing. I was still riding on that high you get after working out and thought… why not? Lets do this! Of course by my third lap (4 is a mile) I wanted to die. But I finished up the mile regardless.

So, moral of the story? Don’t be angry if you don’t lose weight when you know you didn’t work for it OR when it could be caused by something you can not control. 

I am EXHAUSTED. I’m about to head to Sam’s for my weekly fruit and veggie shopping. 

Stay motivated! We can do it!

March 12 Weigh In

So to be completely honest I was terrified about this weigh in. 

Between my knee injury, going out drinking one night, having a little lamb and pork this week (damn my father for cooking!)… I was really worried that I wouldn’t lose much weight at all (IF ANY!) 

But… the moment of truth. This morning the scale said…. 281.4! 281.4! Read it again! 281.4! omg yay!

Last week when I weighed myself I was 286.6 ( I really should have said 286.6 on my first post but I thought 285 sounded better because I was ashamed. Why should I be ashamed? you don’t know me!) Regardless… I lost 5.2 lbs!!!!! 


This is my year!!!! 

This is OUR year! Lets get it done! 

Awe, shucks…

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone following me! 

A lot of people in my life aren’t really very supportive or some of them are dieting or claim they are… but they’re just not as serious as I am about this. But you guys? Just knowing that you read these posts means so much. Not to mention posting all these inspirational/motivational sayings and pictures all day!! It really helps me stick with it. 

So please know that it really means a lot to me that you’re following me and vice versa. <3